Hello Scribes,
This one right here means I have to tell the truth. As a Scribe I want to teach you to write through the pain, and inscribe about the last time you cried. What was happening? What brought the tears? Cry again if you have to. On both sides you'll feel so much better.
__________
Deep sigh.
Few people really know what is happening in my life. I talk to people but I am also pretty private because I am a minister's wife. People who are nearby or call me happen to get the story but every time I have to repeat it, the words slur into oblivion. My tongue is tired of flapping with the same story that feels like thorns in my mouth.
I have written in code, hidden behind photos and been "strong" like everyone tells me to do. Damn that lie! I need people to hold me up on every side. I can't walk this road by myself, not right now, now while my beloved is transforming.
It's easy to wear a mask when no one knows that my life is transforming, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I keep saying "My parents" and although I have two parents, Daddy is making the decisions now. My mother is sick and I have cried every day for the past two weeks. I ain't never cried like this. These tears are reminiscent, they capture every pain and joy of my life leading up to this season. These tears fly, roll, splatter, sting, burn and cleanse all at the same time.
Who said that strength means I can never cry? That's stupid to me. I have to cry. I think about Bobbi Kristina and her love for Whitney, I didn't understand then how losing your lifeline changes you. I see now, that's why I'm making a call out to all the motherless daughters in my life, the breast cancer survivors, the overcomers to come walk with me and my family. I need support, I need to hear that things will be okay. If you love us, be with us because you love her too.
Mommy is walking her journey with dignity and class. We call her a Warrior, she is even called a Pink Panther. Even when we can see that the pain in her body is stretching her out, she maintains her composure and smiles, consoles us - mothers us. When the doctor spoke a timeline over her life and it broke me down when I was in the room alone with her, she reached for my hand. One of her best friends told me, "Pen, you need to know that the Mother instinct never leaves. She is always going to protect you." Wow! Thanks Mommy, you are amazing!
When the thought of losing my Mommy hits me I buckle and shiver because I feel cold and hot, tired and energized at the same time. The flood of emotions has crippled me at times but nobody can see that side of me. I'm a Dandelioness. I am Unpluckable. People are watching me; well, let me be an example of how to keep walking even when pain tries to arrest you. I'm still praying and crying out to God, in these moments that is all I can do.
Although my feet are heavy and my vision is blurry I have to keep walking to get to the other side of this. . . this physical and spiritual transformation of my beloved mother.
Deep sigh.
I have cried from my soul every day but the most recent was April 18, 2016 around 11 p.m. Writing this blog, thinking about the time before I wrote the blog that I cried. That made me cry so I was crying on top of crying. I really am writing through pain. (I promise you Scribes, you can too and sometimes that is the best writing you can do).
Some days the pit of my stomach aches from the pain and fear of what life will be like without my Mommy. I have spiritual mothers and mentors and friends but one Mommy. She is the one person who carried me in her body and in her heart. Either I chose them or God chose me for them. Whatever the case may be, Daddy prepared us all of our life for this season when he used to say, "Me and ya Mama ain't gone be here forever. You can't depend on nobody but yourself."
I got it Daddy. . .finally.
So this is a brief synopsis of the last time I cried. This will continue to be why I cry until I don't need to cry anymore.
#InscribeMe,
This one right here means I have to tell the truth. As a Scribe I want to teach you to write through the pain, and inscribe about the last time you cried. What was happening? What brought the tears? Cry again if you have to. On both sides you'll feel so much better.
__________
Deep sigh.
Few people really know what is happening in my life. I talk to people but I am also pretty private because I am a minister's wife. People who are nearby or call me happen to get the story but every time I have to repeat it, the words slur into oblivion. My tongue is tired of flapping with the same story that feels like thorns in my mouth.
I have written in code, hidden behind photos and been "strong" like everyone tells me to do. Damn that lie! I need people to hold me up on every side. I can't walk this road by myself, not right now, now while my beloved is transforming.
It's easy to wear a mask when no one knows that my life is transforming, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I keep saying "My parents" and although I have two parents, Daddy is making the decisions now. My mother is sick and I have cried every day for the past two weeks. I ain't never cried like this. These tears are reminiscent, they capture every pain and joy of my life leading up to this season. These tears fly, roll, splatter, sting, burn and cleanse all at the same time.
Who said that strength means I can never cry? That's stupid to me. I have to cry. I think about Bobbi Kristina and her love for Whitney, I didn't understand then how losing your lifeline changes you. I see now, that's why I'm making a call out to all the motherless daughters in my life, the breast cancer survivors, the overcomers to come walk with me and my family. I need support, I need to hear that things will be okay. If you love us, be with us because you love her too.
Mommy is walking her journey with dignity and class. We call her a Warrior, she is even called a Pink Panther. Even when we can see that the pain in her body is stretching her out, she maintains her composure and smiles, consoles us - mothers us. When the doctor spoke a timeline over her life and it broke me down when I was in the room alone with her, she reached for my hand. One of her best friends told me, "Pen, you need to know that the Mother instinct never leaves. She is always going to protect you." Wow! Thanks Mommy, you are amazing!
When the thought of losing my Mommy hits me I buckle and shiver because I feel cold and hot, tired and energized at the same time. The flood of emotions has crippled me at times but nobody can see that side of me. I'm a Dandelioness. I am Unpluckable. People are watching me; well, let me be an example of how to keep walking even when pain tries to arrest you. I'm still praying and crying out to God, in these moments that is all I can do.
Although my feet are heavy and my vision is blurry I have to keep walking to get to the other side of this. . . this physical and spiritual transformation of my beloved mother.
Deep sigh.
I have cried from my soul every day but the most recent was April 18, 2016 around 11 p.m. Writing this blog, thinking about the time before I wrote the blog that I cried. That made me cry so I was crying on top of crying. I really am writing through pain. (I promise you Scribes, you can too and sometimes that is the best writing you can do).
Some days the pit of my stomach aches from the pain and fear of what life will be like without my Mommy. I have spiritual mothers and mentors and friends but one Mommy. She is the one person who carried me in her body and in her heart. Either I chose them or God chose me for them. Whatever the case may be, Daddy prepared us all of our life for this season when he used to say, "Me and ya Mama ain't gone be here forever. You can't depend on nobody but yourself."
I got it Daddy. . .finally.
So this is a brief synopsis of the last time I cried. This will continue to be why I cry until I don't need to cry anymore.
#InscribeMe,
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