"We all have a truth untold."
-Dr. LaShonda Fuller
I had an interesting experience yesterday. A question was asked of me and I was required to answer with little time to reflect. My response was from the heart. It was a hard question, "When was the first time you recognized that your femininity could influence outcomes?"
Ummm ... seriously? My mind was racing and I tried to stall answering for as long as I could but when the time came for me to respond I talked about being raised in a village of men who love and support me. Men who adopted my siblings and me as their own children because they love my father like a brother. They are his brothers; Omega Men are brothers from different mothers and they take that seriously!
Well, someone else was listening and took my response to another level in her own interpretation. By the time I got it back, it was twisted, had some ruffles added to it and a few other embellishments that did not quite match what I had intended to express. The person added their perspective and definition to my reflection and tried to give it back to me as if it was my truth. Words that stung me like "seduction and low self-esteem." Wait. Whaaaa?
My truth is that I have a village of men and women who have been in my life since before I was born. They are mostly men because my mother only had sisters. Daddy has one blood brother. If it comes down to it they fight, pray, rebuke or correct us and anybody who crosses us. My uncles don't play when it comes to family. I was trying to express that my femininity would allow me to walk into the room with them and they would all light up at the sight of me. I knew from a child that I was special to them - a treasure. I have an impenetrable circle of protection.
Only my Godfather calls me "Penn Penn" but his smile is as big as the sun when he says my name. " That's my baby right there!" I am as much his blood daughter as I am Will Horton's. My femininity was always protected by my village. I admit that I have wandered away from my village and been scarred by a few lions that got the best of me, but like the prodigal son, I have always returned home. If "Penn Penn" or anybody connected to "Penn Penn" needs anything, my village will not let me fail. I don't take that for granted.
My mom and dad made sure that we had people in our lives who touch every spectrum. We were raised to treat everyone with respect, never look down on anyone, and be humble. I didn't always reach those objectives, but it did not change the fact that my roots are made of these truths. I am more intentional about honoring my roots now that my life has been pruned. Because I want to honor Scribes who tell their story, my lesson from this experience of having my story retold improperly is a reminder not to retell someone else's story without asking clarifying questions. It is important to listen in silence before responding. Secondly, get the details correct or do not repeat what you heard. I am going to give you three examples of how that has worked in my business.
My friend Dr. LaShonda Fuller is the first person who reminded me that my truth belongs to me. I coached LaShonda for her first book, “In Search for Love and Freedom.” It is so good that I took off my editing hat for a moment and walked a dangerously thin line of personal reflection while trying to edit. Doing that was changing her truth and making it mine. At one point I had to put her book down, go work on myself and come back a few days later to finish the job I had been paid to do. LaShonda poured her heart into her book and you can hear her voice throughout. LaShonda spoke her truth and she did it amazingly! (Check out her book and website). Do the work you need to do to find your freedom.
One of my favorite lines from her book is ". . . I have always wondered how women exist amidst pain." With LaShonda, I tried to insert my hopes for an ideal definition of freedom. What she wanted was for the reader to define freedom for themselves. It was a great conversation but the definition of freedom does belong to all of us individually. We all look at situations through a lens of our own experiences, hurts, joys and position in life. For example, losing my mother has not taken my joy, but I am different than before she died. I search for the freedom from the void I feel right now. I am searching for how to keep walking as a motherless child. This is what LaShonda taught me, I define my own freedom. We all define our own truth.
When people lie about their truth, it can become their truth because they have believed the lie for so long. This is a good reason to have people in your life who help you speak your truth. (That's another blog).
My job as a Scribe Coach is to teach Scribes to record their personal history that will leave a legacy. I want my Scribes to own their truths, to stand on them as a declaration of God's power in their lives. How dare I try to change someone's testimony! How dare someone try to change mine!
When I first started my business I used to try to change people's titles and ministry names because they did not fit on me. It was easy to do that because all of my first clients were my friends. But I had a reality check when one of my Scribes schooled me about her business name, I had to step back and reevaluate myself and my approach or my business was going to take a hit. The conversation went something like this:
Kia: I want to call my nonprofit No More Blows (Check out her post from #NowNovember).
Me: No More Blows? I don't really like that, it sounds sexual to me.
Kia: Penda, you have never been in abusive relationship. It would not make sense to you unless you have had to get to a place of wanting to be hit no more. This is why I want to call it No More Blows.
When I am with Kia and she talks about her desire to develop programming for domestic violence and intimate partner awareness and a survivor is in the room, they buckle when they hear the name of her ministry. It is more than a ministry name, it is a decree and Kia is focused on making the decree a tangible goal. Thank God that Kia owned her story, she unlocks a cage for a woman or teen girl who is trying to hide every time she tells her truth.
People have to have your permission to retell your story or interpret your point of view. If you don't speak up, you may be giving away your voice. Speak your truth in love and in truth. Claim what belongs to you. I recognize that there are times when we won't be awarded opportunities to clarify, restate or correct someone who interprets our truth. In those moments, what is a person supposed to do?
I want to end with a final reflection of my friend LaDina who is passionate about raising awareness of the power of God's grace for women who have terminated a pregnancy. (Check out her post from#NowNovember). In her book she says, "Killing Grace took a very long time to get into your hands. I almost aborted this mission because I needed to conquer my personal fears, hurts, shame and disappointments before I could share my story." I think LaDina summed up my thoughts perfectly, sometimes we have to conquer our personal stuff in order to own our truth.
If I tell you my story, I trust you with it. It is an important part of me that I hold sacred. You can try to dress it up to make it sound like something you want to hear, but when you give it back, it is my responsibility to own only what belongs to me, even if that means I have to reject your embellishments. I need to do that more often.
Unpluckable Me,
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